


I Loved You The Best I Could

by calmlikesurrender



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 03:33:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calmlikesurrender/pseuds/calmlikesurrender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Harry,</p><p>I don’t think I could ever tell you this in person, so I’m just going to write it down. I hope you’re happy when you read this and I hope you’re still happy when it’s done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Loved You The Best I Could

_Dear Harry,_

_I don’t think I could ever tell you this in person, so I’m just going to write it down. I hope you’re happy when you read this and I hope you’re still happy when it’s done._

“It’s strange, you know..”

            Harry smiles at him and Niall feels like broken glass. They’re tangled up in Harry’s sheets.

            “Yeah, it’s weird,” Harry says, “but that’s good, right? Good-weird?”

            Niall can feel his face flush and he runs his hands down the smooth lines of Harry’s chest, his stomach, with his lip between his teeth.

            “I don’t know if I could ever get used to this,” he says and he feels light-headed, but it’s incredible and Harry’s arms around him is almost enough to make him forget that he’s worthless.

 

            And maybe it’s not quite enough- this new thing with Harry, this shot-in-the-dark- but he gets almost three days before he has to make a new mark.

            And three days for him is monumental. And it’s tragic. So he lets Liam rub his back and cries on his shoulder and he tries to tell him with just the shaky grumble of his ribs cracking that he needs Harry so much.

            Liam reminds him, because he has to, that there are more important things.

            Niall shakes his head, “Like what?” and Liam looks down at the scratches just starting to scab a rusty red on his pale arm.

            “I don’t know.”

_There was probably a moment when it all kind of fell apart, but I couldn’t tell you when and I guess that’s better. So you can sleep alright because it could’ve been all my fault._

“How do you want this?”

            “I want to feel it.”

            Doesn’t make any sense.

            But Zayn knows what he means. Or what he needs.

            They don’t usually kiss- an unspoken agreement not to cross that line. But today when Zayn leans in, Niall doesn’t pull away.

            Still he turns so he doesn’t have to watch him. It’s too much then. Like tempting fate.          

            “One of these days,” Zayn says, pressing up behind Niall, “He’s going to find out. We’re not exactly hiding it.”

            Niall focuses on the burn, the painful stretch that feels so intoxicatingly like a punishment. How different it is to be with Zayn instead of Harry. How he never has to wonder with Zayn. How he always feels good enough.

             “I want him to,” he says.

            Zayn puts one hand on Niall’s shoulder, the other on his waist, grinds into him slowly with his lips pressed to the back of Niall’s neck.

 “Bullshit.”

             _But right now while I’m writing this I just feel alone. I don’t even know how to say it any other way. You’re asleep in bed right next to me and I can’t_

“Is it me?” Harry asks and Niall wants to tell him yes.

            It is. It always is.

            It’s Harry when Zayn settles between his thighs and it’s Harry when he holds him tight enough to leave bruises and it’s Harry when he can’t catch his breath, fighting back tears on the floor of their bathroom with a pair of scissors in his lap.

             _stop thinking about how badly I want to be good enough for you._

“It took me all day to make this,” Harry says, “And you can’t even look at me.”

            Which is true.

            Niall can’t.

            But not because he feels guilty. It’s just that he can still taste Zayn between each bite of Harry’s dinner and it’s disconcerting at best. He’ll try to meet his eyes- a warm flood of vibrant greens and blues- but then another bite and he can feel the thin skin of his chest decaying to a brittle shell. An outer wall not fit for the least sentient being,

            “Did I do something wrong?”

            Harry’s voice cracks. He’s not crying. He can’t be.

            But wedged between the folds of his words is something wet and scolding, dripping with acid across the table to where Niall is trying desperately not to just walk away.

            “It’s never you,” he says slowly, measuring the words out after a long breath. Are they wide enough? Do they fit?

            Are they  _whole_?

            “Then why can’t you look at me?”

            “Why does it matter?”

            Fork to mouth. Attempt to chew without vomiting. Sweat. Tomato. Aftershave. Garlic.

_I’ll never be, though. I just want you to know that I loved you._

He thinks maybe there’ll be bright lights. Trumpets. Horns. Faceless women with grey hair and harps.

            “Welcome to Heaven.”

            Except he feels the stiff board of a bed beneath him and there’s a face leaning in, but it’s not an angel. Ruddy brown hair, warm eyes. He tells Niall everything he’s thinking in a matter of seconds without a word.

            Suddenly everything feels heavy. The room. His chest. The lights from the ceiling, clanking around inside his skull.

            “They said you don’t have much time,” Liam says, so far away.

            “There’s a note,” Niall says and Liam nods, “Don’t let Harry see it.”

            Liam makes a face that Niall can’t quite read.

            “He knows about Zayn,” he says. Niall tries to shrug but his arms lay at his side like blocks of cement. His entire body feels like it’s on fire-  _You are dying. This is your punishment._

              _I loved you so much. Terribly, I know, but I loved you the best I could._

Harry takes the letter from Liam’s hand and it shakes but he can’t stop. It’s Louis’ comforting grip that stills him until he can make it past the first word. Then the first sentence. Then the second.

_And I’ll love you forever._


End file.
